I want to divorce my wife due to her defects which I cannot bear, but I received threats from her family. What should I do?

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Question: A while ago, I married a young woman. After the wedding, I discovered that she had some defects. I tried to be satisfied and patient with her defect, but I could not. At last, I decided to divorce her, but her brother began threatening me and caused me troubles. He is an evil person, and I hate troubles. Frankly, I say that I am not brave in evil or in resisting evil. I do not know what to do. I hope that you may guide me to a solution.

The answer: Legally, you have the right to divorce her, but humaneness requires you to live with her if her defect is not so serious. If you decide to divorce her, you have to be prudent towards her brother. Allah says,(And the servants of the Beneficent are they who walk on the earth in humbleness, and when the ignorant address them, they say: Peace!)

Also we find this solution in a tradition narrated from one of the Ahlul Bayt (a.s.), ‘If you keep silent before an ignorant person, you answer him fully and punish him painfully.’

You should follow this conduct if his harm towards you is through speech, but if you fear that he may do more serious harm to you, you can send some notables to advise and threaten him implicitly. If he persists in his ignorance, you should try to move to another part of your country. If he continues harassing you, then you should lodge a complaint against him in court.

You should do so if there is no way before you except divorce, but if you can live with your wife, you should; otherwise, after agreeing with her, you can choose a second wife who can live with her without troubles.

How can the poor overcome their financial problems?

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Question: How can poor families overcome their financial problems, since the requirements of life are greater than the income these families receive?

The answer: Poverty is not a new problem for man. Islam has treated poverty with its wise verdicts and moral teachings and with supplications and with strengthening the moral aspects of man and family. We feel sorry for most Muslims who have virtually said to Islam: stick to the limits of books and lectures and do not enter our practical life especially in our closed rooms!! Therefore, they have brought upon themselves different problems in their lives.

Society, with its poor and rich, has kept away from the wide mercy and abundant blessings of Allah. Whoever divorces piety, Heaven divorces him. Allah says, (And if the people of the towns had believed and guarded (against evil)19

We would certainly have opened up for them blessings from the heaven and the earth, but they rejected, so We overtook them for what they had earned). The poor commit some disobediences that bring them poverty and the rich commit some disobediences that bring them distresses, and thus poverty increases in the society. Imam Ali (a.s.) has said, ‘There is no abundant blessing, unless there is a lost due beside it.’

Panting after the desires of this life, material pleasures, and lavish expenditures is failure to know the facts to which Allah has invited us.

From amongst the poetry ascribed to Imam Hasan (a.s.) is the following verse:

“O people of a transient world,
Adhering to an evanescent shadow is silliness.”

Observing this fact, the economical life of a family must be well organized. The husband, his wife, and the other qualified members of the family can manage the income of the family in the best way and spare some of it for emergencies.

It is useful to quote here what I have read in the al-Wa’iy al-Islami magazine, vol. 414: “Many problems happen to families because of disorganization of the income between the two spouses or the income does not cover their needs.

Nowadays, these problems have become more complicated because of the rise in prices, the high level of living, the change of life’s luxuries of yesterday into essential needs today, and the increasing number of population that leads to an increase in consumption.

The circumstances and the disagreements that emerge because of money and defects in managing the income and expenditures may be different from one family to another, but there are some important concerns such as the changes that affect the lives of the spouses are such that each of them will not have his/her own independent opinion about the financial matters. In fact, the opinion of the other side will be important, especially if the wife has a job and a personal income.

Some modern families suffer from serious financial problems, and some husbands may belittle the material needs, which may increase the disagreement between spouses.

But how can spouses face these financial crises?

1. Each spouse has to inform the other of his/her actual income so that they conduct all their affairs clearly and with fidelity.

2. The spouses, together, have to specify the most important points of expenditure.

3. They have to agree that the income of the husband and the income of the wife become one to build the family and not to satisfy their personal wishes.

4. They have to agree to balance their joint incomes so that nothing disturbs their expenditure.

5. They must avoid participating in different projects and many installments in order to not be overwhelmed by the great expenses required from each of them.

6. If one of them faces a financial problem, he/she has to frankly inform the other spouse so that they can make the necessary changes to their budget.

Each husband and wife should not place money and financial problems in the first position of their life, for the pillars of a happy family stand on mutual understanding and respect before all. Money alone does not bring happiness and tranquility, but it is a means to achieve the requirements of life.”

There are many Qur’anic verses and supplications to be recited to invoke Allah for livelihood. They are mentioned in the books of supplications. What I mention here is something that I myself have experienced. It is reciting the second and the third verses of the sura at-Talaq (65), (…and whoever is careful of (his duty to) Allah, He will make for him an outlet, and give him sustenance from whence he thinks not; and whoever trusts in Allah, He is sufficient for him; surely Allah attains His purpose; Allah indeed has appointed a measure for everything) three times after every prayer, attentively and sincerely

Should I ask my imprisoned husband to divorce me so I could marry another؟

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Question: My husband is unjustly undergoing a sentence of fifteen years in prison for a matter of the truth! I live miserably with my child. My husband’s relatives do not take any care of me or my little son. Whenever I count the remaining period of my husband’s imprisonment, which is ten years, I feel I will die before the actual death comes. I have a friend who asked her husband to divorce her as soon as she knew that he had been sentenced to life imprisonment and then she went to live with a good husband. She often advises me to do the same. I am confused and do not know what to do. Would you please guide me to the right way so that I may follow it and keep myself away from the whispers of the Satan?

The answer: Dear faithful sister, there is something called loyalty, whose light always shines in the stories of pious and dutiful people. Loyalty is an Islamic value, a human nature, and a moral jewel. One who has no loyalty lives with remorse his whole life and does not feel happy.

Yes! There are some exceptions that Islam has permitted and specified within certain boundaries. I prefer that these exceptional cases should be dealt with in the agreement between the imprisoned husband and the expectant wife. The husband who has entered prison after struggling to revive noble values in society, which has been deprived of these values, is able to make a decision to set his young wife free if she wishes to live away from the long wait. Nevertheless, I prefer that the faithful wife make a sacrifice for the sake of the values that her husband was thrown in prison for. Among these values are loyalty, patience, devotedness, and giving delight to her husband’s heart by visiting him continuously and making him feel that she is with him not only in ease but also in distress. Is life worth anything without values?

In a word, Islamic values must always be taken as the motives of our situations. They must be the criteria of divorce or waiting. Allah says, (…then retain them with kindness or separate them with kindness). Kindness is among the values to which Islam has invited and which also include loyalty, patience, cooperation, and mutual understanding.

How do I deal with an ungrateful and frequently absent husband?

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Question: My husband travels too much, and the responsibility of the house and children has fallen on me. My back has broken due to this heavy responsibility; nevertheless, I have not received from him even a word of gratitude. What shall I do?

The answer: Your husband has to change his job, if it is possible, or bring you a servant. You may teach your children the household affairs to help you or you may make friends with the neighbors according to the familiar, social way among good people. If all these solutions fail, you should continue in your present state and look forward to the reward of Allah that the future may be better than the past.

Dear sister, be patient for patience is an effective weapon. Imam Ali (a.s.) said, ‘He, who rides in the boat of patience, arrives at the field of victory.’

The husband, also, has to try his best to solve this problem. Islam does not permit the burdening of wives with heavy duties.

The Prophet (S) said, ‘Travel is a part of torment. Whenever one of you finishes his travel, let him hasten back to his family.’

If this husband does not change his severe behavior towards his wife, relatives have to advise him wisely, because supporting the cause of a wronged one brings good in this life and the afterlife.

source:  For a Better Future

What is the role of motherhood in society and religion?

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Question: What is the philosophy of motherhood? What is the relation of woman to society with both positive and negative aspects? Can motherhood be one of the factors that contribute to building a good and faithful nation that can resist corruption and tyranny?

The answer: Once, I heard Ayatullah Muhammad Taqi al-Mudarrisi say in one of his lectures, ‘If you want a good society, you have to look for a good mother, because if you find society sinking under the pressures of corruption and loss, you should know well that all these evils shall reach mothers. A mother is not only a school, but she is also the life, origin, and essence of man….

In order to treat the problem from its roots, you have to turn to the mother and try to treat the problems that the mother suffers from, and then, you will know the reasons behind the deviation of society. Looking for another place to cure the social diseases will be nothing save a temporary tranquilizer that soon disappears and then the pains of the diseases will come back again.’

About the philosophy of motherhood and the qualities of an ideal mother, he says, ‘Before all, man has to ask himself: has he come to this life to enjoy its pleasures and live for a certain period and then he dies and everything finishes, or has he come to play a role and undertake a responsibility? If the second conception is true, then what is the responsibility of this man?’

To answer this question, I say: the greatest responsibility that man undertakes in this life is the good upbringing of his children. A mother who understands this responsibility knows well that all the affairs of this life are minor before her responsibility for her children…

An ideal mother makes her children be among the people of Paradise and tries her best to carry out this goal. She makes them love Allah and fear the punishment of the afterlife…

Things like these are not realized unless a woman pays a lot of attention to other things that are considered as bases to attain these goals. A woman does not become a good mother except when she becomes a good wife. As a man has to look for a good woman to marry, a woman does not have to accept save a good man to be her husband. After marriage, she has to try her best to raise and educate her children in the best way. Also, she has to watch her husband especially concerning the source of his livelihood. A good wife does not allow her husband to bring money from anywhere, because she knows that unlawful money causes unlawful sperm, and a man who is created from an unlawful sperm is difficult to be reformed.’

We invite the Ulama’, thinkers, preachers, and pious people to take extensive care to spread the culture of motherhood in societies, especially amongst the rising generation of girls. Islam has paid a lot of attention to the position of girls in the house due to her vital role in the future when she becomes a wife and mother.

The Prophet (S) said, ‘Whoever has a daughter and he brings her up well, educates her well, and is generous to her with what Allah has granted him, she will be as a fort and cover him from Fire.’

In another tradition, the Prophet (S) declares that the right of a mother on her child is two times more than the right of a father. A child has been recommended to be kind to his father, while he has been recommended to be kind to his mother three times as much.

The best speech is that of Allah when He says, (And We have enjoined on man doing of good to his parents; with trouble did his mother bear him and with trouble did she bring him forth; and the bearing of him and the weaning of him was thirty months; until when he attains his maturity and reaches forty years, he says: My Lord! grant me that I may give thanks for Thy favor which Thou hast bestowed on me and on my parents, and that I may do good which pleases Thee and do good to me in respect of my offspring; surely I turn to Thee, and surely I am of those who submit. These are they from whom We accept the best of what they have done and pass over their evil deeds, among the dwellers of the garden; the promise of truth which they were promised).

source: For a Better Future

What are the qualities of an ideal father and an ideal mother?

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Question: What are the qualities of an ideal father and an ideal mother?

The answer: An ideal father is one who:

1. undertakes his responsibility well to create a good marital and family life with humane atmospheres.

2. brings his family lawful livelihood without a bit of unlawful.

3. respects his wife as a human being who is equal to him in rights and duties, as Allah has said, (O people! be careful of (your duty to) your Lord, Who created you from a single being and created its mate of the same (kind) and spread from these two, many men and women; and be careful of (your duty to) Allah, by Whom you demand one of another (your rights), and (to) the ties of relationship; surely Allah ever watches over you)14.

4. cares for the intellectual, moral, and material needs of his children and is generous to them as much as possible.

An ideal mother is one who:

1. understands her role as a mother who has the most important position in educating children and feeding them with love and sentiment and teaching them the meanings of goodness, benevolence, and the afterlife.

2. undertakes her responsibility well and does not lose her patience or give up her task, which is like the task of the prophets and apostles.

3. repels evil with that which is best.

4. prefers the comfort of her husband and children to her own ease and comfort when there is a conflict between comforts.

5. always feels satisfied and content.

6. distributes her smiles of sincerity, satisfaction, and hope of success and progress among all members of her family.

7. does not remind her husband of the work she does inside the house.

8. does not uncover the defects of her husband before others and does not reveal the secrets of their life.

9. looks forward to the reward of the afterlife, pleasure of Allah, and the bliss of Paradise, which Allah has put under her feet if she devotes her intentions sincerely to Allah in this life.

Here, someone may question: why have you decreased the qualities and responsibilities of a father and increased those of a mother? This is not fair, O sheikh!

I say: if the wife has these ideal qualities, her husband will be affected by her and then she will be a practical teacher for her husband too. Then, the famous saying “behind every great man, there is a woman” will become true.

When we reach this fact, we find that it is inevitable to emphasize the great role of mothers in preparing our daughters in the best way to undertake their important roles in achieving the happiness of the society, the progress of the umma, and the guidance of the men and the youth.

To see this fact, you can ponder on the reasons behind the wretchedness of society, the underdevelopment of the umma, and the deviation of men and the youth. You shall find heedless wives, bad women, and deviate girls at the head of these reasons.

Therefore, it has been mentioned in traditions that wealth and women are the most dangerous weapons of the Satan in seducing man and deviating him from truth, justice, and goodness and removing him from the moral paradise of this life and from the real Paradise in the afterlife, in which the pious live in comfort and luxury forever.

History has proved this in the past and in the present. Woman has corrupted and still corrupts whatever is around her if she is corrupted. Even the sincere believers have been felled by corruptive women if they became heedless for a moment.

Thus, responsibility is very heavy for a good mother, especially in bringing up her daughters. Therefore, Islam has made her position higher than the position of a good father. The Prophet (S) has ordered people to be kind to their mother three times more than to their father.

If this becomes clear to you, you shall know the secret behind the plans of colonialists that aim at corrupting daughters and making mothers ignorant, because after that, colonialists can seize the wealth of our countries easily, for they shall not find before them save semi-men.

I have to declare something that is very bitter for every heart that wishes for the exaltedness of Islam and the happiness of man and society. It is that some women who are considered to be religious whereas faith has never entered their hearts have played a dangerous role in disrupting the Islamic unity, drawing the believers into disagreements and setting the fire of sedition among them.

This is clear evidence showing women’s ability of destruction even if they don the dress of religion.

Yes! If a woman has such a great ability of bad influence even over religious people, it is reasonable and wise that much attention should be paid to this great ability in order to direct it towards construction rather than destruction.

Thus, we find that a faithful woman and ideal mother is a more important factor of construction and happiness in life than a faithful man and ideal father.

source: For a Better Future

What does Islam say about the ideal age difference between a husband and wife?

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Question: People pay a lot of attention to the difference in age between a husband and a wife. Would you please show me the recommended amount of this difference according to Islam and what the other qualities are that must be paid attention to before the agreement of marriage?

The answer: We have not found any verdict in Islam concerning this matter. When we study the lives of the leaders of Islam, we find that the difference in the ages of the spouses is in different extents. Sometimes a wife is older and sometimes a husband is older. Lady Khadija, the mother of Lady Fatima (a.s.), was married to the Prophet (S) while she was fifteen years older than him, whereas Imam Ali (a.s.) was married to Lady Fatima (a.s.) while he was ten years older than her.

The same is said about the other faithful men and women in the history of Islam. We have not read that they paid much attention, in their marriages, to the matter of age, but rather, they paid attention to other important qualities (of the other spouse) according to the following order:

1. religiousness and faith

2. good morals

3. good family

These are the qualities according to which the believers are considered equivalent to each other. The Prophet (S) says, ‘The believers are equivalent to each other.13’

From these three main qualities, the following qualities ramify:

1. intelligence, knowledge, and social manners

2. intellectual and cultural equivalence

3. physical health and freedom from hereditary diseases

4. sufficient income to at least cover the necessary expenses

5. acceptable outward beauty but not at the expense of moral beauty

6. proportionality of bodies as customary

It is customary nowadays that spouses should be nearer in age according to the idea that cultural equivalence results from studying in the modern schools, which means that both are somehow close in age. Equivalence is not achieved when a young woman is a graduate of a secondary school while the young man has been a graduate of a university for ten years, which makes the difference in age between them over seventeen years. Therefore, there is no cultural and intellectual equivalence and accordingly marriage with this extent of difference in ages is not advisable.

Custom has another conception in this field that differences in age form a ground for marital disagreements because interests and hobbies of different generations always cause clashes.

A third conception says that differences in age make one of the spouses maturer than the other due to experiences and this is another cause that leads to conflicts in opinions and situations, which makes spouses disagree with each other.

Another traditional conception is that the difference in age means that the older spouse may die long before the other, and especially if the wife is still young, she will become a widow after the death of her husband and may remain alone.

We agree with these four customary conceptions, but not absolutely. There are many exceptional cases in which the marital life is of utmost happiness and pleasure in spite of the age difference between the spouses.

What is important in equivalence is the educational equivalence and mental maturity, which leads to good behavior, kindness, humbleness, and rapport.

If the main qualities we have mentioned are found in a husband and a wife, they will live happily; otherwise, there will be no happiness even if the spouses are of the same age.

Is it acceptable Islamically to set a high dowry to prevent divorce or ensure that if a divorce occurs the woman will be well-off?

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Question: Some people exaggerate the dowries of their daughters to assure themselves of one of two things: first, that the husband will be unable to divorce his wife, and second, if the husband does divorce his wife, she will get enough money that she can live without troubles. Are these motives justifiable whereas they are contrary to the Prophet’s opinion?

The answer: Excessive dowries change marriage into a trade made for material motives, whereas easy and small dowries bring spouses closer to each other from moral and humane motives. In the first case, marriage is carried out with the mentality of traders, and then a woman is considered as any kind of goods. In the second case, marriage is carried out according to morals and values, and the woman’s actual value is realized.

We can close our eyes and say that a wise man does not say anything unless it has wisdom and benefit, that we may know some of it and not know most of it. This is for an ordinary wise man, then how about the wise Prophet (S), who did not say anything except that it came from the Wisest One of all?!

Yes! The Prophet (S) said, ‘It is from the good fortune of woman that her engagement is made easy, her dowry is made easy, and her pregnancy is made easy.7’

What people imagine then is definitely not true because first, they are not more aware than the Prophet (S), and second, when someone wants to divorce his wife, he does that either due to his shortcoming and injustice or due to other justifiable reasons. If he is unjust to his wife, he will leave her alone without divorcing her in order to force her to give up her dowry, and then she will accept divorce without getting a bit of her dowry; otherwise she will suffer until the end of her life, and in this case her dowry will be of no use to her at all. But if the husband is not neglectful of his wife’s rights, people will consider the wife to be mistaken and erroneous. Will she be happy with her dowry when people consider her so? Will someone come to marry her after her reputation becomes tainted, and it is said that she has mistreated her first husband? I think that no one would marry her except if he looks for wealth and lust, and these things do not make a happy marriage and a good life.

Third, why, at the beginning of marriage, which is a sacred and heavenly supported relation, does the family of the girl, who is about to be a wife, think of the guarantees of divorce? Does pessimism not kill the spirit of delight and joy of the ceremonies of marriage?

I think that the high ratio of divorce in our countries is due to the materialistic view, commercial thinking, and pessimistic spirit surrounding marriages from the start.

Thus, many people throw themselves and their daughters into what they would like to escape from because they mistrust what their great Prophet (S) has said to them.

At the same time, while Islam recommends low dowries, it recommends Muslims to not marry their daughters except to religious and honest persons. There is no guarantee better than faith and morals to prevent the occurrence of divorce and injustice after divorce, if it takes place, due to legal excuses.

If the husband is religious, he will fear Allah and refrain from acting unjustly towards his wife, and if he has good morals and treats his wife fairly and kindly, he will not divorce her if she is similar to him in faith and morals. Therefore, a high dowry is of no importance here.

If the wife deserves to be divorced and the husband is faithful but he cannot afford to pay the dowry because of need, the wife will remain suspended until she submits to a divorce without the dowry that she has looked forward to.

Would that these people ponder on this Verse, (And give women their dowries as a free gift, but if they of themselves be pleased to give up to you a portion of it, then take it and enjoy it with right good cheer)8.

Here, there are three questions:

1. What does “free gift” mean?

It is the gift that a husband gives with his own free will to his wife that is called a “dowry”.

2. What does “but if they of themselves be pleased to give up to you a portion of it” mean?

It means that the wife can give that gift back to her husband with her own free will.

3. What does “then take it and enjoy it with right good cheer” mean?

It is the fruit that comes out of the love that is founded by the mutual exchanging of gifts between the spouses where they enjoy it blissfully.

Therefore, the purpose of the dowry is to achieve true love that will not shake before the problems of life or the mistakes that often happen between spouses. If the dowry is given from a husband unwillingly, shall he love his wife sincerely?

Certainly not! The Prophet (S) said, ‘Be lenient in dowries, because a man may give a dowry to a woman (wife) but it may be as a cause of hatred in his heart against her.9’

The Prophet (S) also said, ‘The best of dowries is the easiest of them.10’

Imam Ali (a.s.) said, ‘Do not exaggerate in women’s dowries, lest enmity comes out!’ 11

Imam as-Sadiq (a.s.) said, ‘…As for the evil omen of woman, it is her high dowry and disobedience of her husband.12’

You will notice that a high dowry of a wife is compared, in an evil omen, with disobedience of her husband.

From that, we note that the excessive dowry is as an evil omen in marriage and a cause of disagreement and divorce, unlike what people think. I ask: can ignorance succeed before the fact that Islam has already announced?

What is the solution to the trend of excessive dowries being demanded by parents of girls?

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Question: High and excessive dowries have become a sort of competition between people and a cause of pride and boast in the meetings of women. And this is the reason that prevents the youth from getting married, and therefore, corruption spreads and the number of spinsters increases. The worst of the matter is that girls lose more because of the excessive dowries whereas parents do not feel their sufferings, and then when girls do something against their parents’ will, the girls themselves are blamed and not the parents. The question is: what is the solution to this dangerous social problem?

The answer: A Muslim society that turns away from the true Islam strays into troubles and problems forever, unless it turns back to religion sincerely. This is the responsibility of all as the Prophet (S) says, ‘All of you are guardians and all of you are responsible for your subjects.’

Flagrant, material manifestations like high dowries and external beauty have overwhelmed the lives of Muslims to the extent of absence of morals and principles. At the same time, troubles, problems, and enmities have filled their lives.

Islam has openly prohibited excessive dowries. The Prophet (S) said, ‘Do not exaggerate dowries of women, lest enmity comes out!’ 4

When we correlate this saying with the saying of Allah in the Qur’an, (Surely the Satan is your enemy, so take him for an enemy)5, we conclude that exaggerating dowries is something pleasing to the Satan and thus is not a good deed. The Muslim family that accepts dowry as a means of happiness for their daughters actually brings them enmity and unhappiness by exaggerating that dowry.

The Prophet (S) says, ‘The best women of my umma are those of prettiest faces and smallest dowries.6’

In my opinion, “with prettiest faces” means happy mien and bloom and not physical beauty as many people think. There are many women with pretty faces who are sullen and gloomy; therefore, they would not be the best of women even if their dowries were small.

Certainly it is not this that the Prophet (S) has meant by “pretty faces”. Far be it from him to wrong the women who have not been created with pretty faces! Therefore, we are certain that the Prophet (S) has meant the moral beauty that gives woman happy mien, bloom, activeness, and high spirits, and these things are the most important factors of happiness in the marital life. When these qualities come together with a small dowry, a woman will be beautiful and one of the best women even if she lacks material beauty. The Prophetic traditions confirm what we have said. The Prophet (S) said, ‘Whoever marries a woman just for her wealth, Allah will subject him to the wealth. Whoever marries a woman just for her beauty, he will see in her what he dislikes. But, whoever marries a woman for her faith, Allah will gather for him all that he likes in her.’

This is sufficient evidence to destruct the ignorant concepts of the material civilization and restore the religious concepts to people. Whoever turns away from this right path, will be an easy prey for devils from the humans and the jinn.

source: For a Better Future

I have psychological issues that threaten my marriage; how can I solve my problems?

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Question: I am afraid of the unknown and worried about the future. I feel inward turmoil and psychological instability. Can I find a remedy in religion before my marital life comes to an end?

The answer: The present makes the future. If you manage your present according to good foundations, you will build for yourself a happy future. There is no excuse for your fear if you determine and rely on Allah Who says, (And (as for) those who strive hard for Us, We will most certainly guide them in Our ways; and Allah is most surely with the doers of good)3.

Starting now, you have to spend every hour of your day in a way that pleases Allah, where if you think about your yesterdays (after your determination), you will be delighted, and this delight is the future that will make you proud of the right method you have determined to follow.

Dear brother, try to forget your painful past, your defects, and all of what hurts you psychologically! Set out towards Allah, Who grants success to whoever relies on Him, and submit to Him, and then, do not worry about any grief or distress concerning this life!

As for your marital life, you and your wife should read a lot to help you plan for a good and peaceful life.

Does he who wants to establish a successful company not read about all that concerns this aim?

You and your wife are two partners, who want to establish a happy life; therefore, you should read about all that concerns this aim.

When you follow this way, you will find in front of you your future clear and pleasant Inshallah.

source: For a Better Future